RIP little black cat

[darren_stranger]

Little Blackie, aka Sickboy, is dead.

 

Of the gang of strays that turned up late last year, he was the last that we hadn't tamed, though he was slowly coming around.  We weren't sure what to do with him when we move, as while the other two are now totally tame, he's obviously been feral for a very long time (possibly all his life, given the size and state of him) and even after more than a year of feeding him he still was wary of us and wouldn't come nearer than he had to. He wasn't going to be a housecat any time soon.  But we didn't want to just leave him behind either, as he had come to mainly depend on us for food.   

We decided we had no choice but to catch him and take him to the new place, and hope that even if he didn't tame down he'd at least still be there long enough before he escaped to decide that that's where the food was and hang around.  But what i was most afraid of, given he wasn't the healthiest looking cat (hence his former name) was that when we caught him and took him to the vet, they'd take one look at him and say he was too sick to save.  I really couldn't stand the thought that we were setting a trap for him to catch him for a death sentence.

Well, some things you can't control.  It turned out he had feline AIDS and was not a well kitty at all.  Our worst fears were right and he had to be put down.  It broke both our hearts (i can still picture his little eyes slanting at me as he asked for his dinner) but there wasn't another option.  Maybe a sheltered, pampered housecat could survive with FIV for some time, but that wasn't the life he'd had and he was already in pretty bad shape.  I feel guilty that we did catch him only to be killed, but if we'd left him behind he would have got sicker and had an unpleasant end, as well as infecting other cats (there's one little tortoiseshell kitty we already know of who will be FIV positive now - they do rough sex, not safe sex).  We can only hope that none of our others were infected, though the chance is small as they didn't seem to fight or have sex with him (the two main ways).  We still have to wait a few weeks to get them tested, to be sure, so that's another worry.

I felt nothing last night when Elaine told me (i was at work and didn't know she'd caught him), which is my usual emotional defence for sad thing (shutdown), but now i'm almost teary picturing his little misshapen body, almost trusting eyes and funny shaped, tiny eared flat face (it'll be a while before i can watch Godzilla and not get sad). 

Once again, maybe that was what the strange sadness that came over me in the afternoon for no apparent reason (even before i lost my coat and phone at the train station) was getting me ready for.

I'll miss you, little hunchbacked cat.

Sorry.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/raven_/]

:-(

Sorry to hear that. You gave him the best you could.

*hug*

[strang-er.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

I know there are people out there with a lot more to grieve for than a little sick stray cat, so i should put it in perspective.

Doesn't work that way, though, does it?

[http://users.livejournal.com/raven_/]

No. It's an acute hurt.

Give Elaine a hug from me (and one for you too). Poor lil' guy.

[txxxpxx.livejournal.com]

It certainly doesn't work that way. Grief is a funny thing.

As raven said, you gave him the best you could. He spent the last part of his life cared for. There is some small comfort in that.

*hugs*

Sorry

[misshavisham.livejournal.com]

:(

Something in my eye too.

I'm so pleased there's people like you in the world. It gives me real hope.

[p-cat.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.

It sounds like you made a big difference to this cat's quality of life, making sure he had food, shelter and love. He may not have been socialised to behave like a fluffy, affectionate kitten, but that doesn't mean that he didn't love you back.

Thank you for having the concern and compassion to care for little stray cats - it's such a big and important thing.

[andricongirl.livejournal.com]

:[
sorry
you looked after him well while you could and thats the main thing.
hugs

[ms-kismet.livejournal.com]

Its not an unusual thing to become attached to strays that seem to decide to let you into their lives. You both had the best of intentions which means your hearts were in the right place.

I've got one of those cats here - Mumma cat. She has kittens now and I wonder how she's going to go when I move out of here soon.

[kehua.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. Also, I'm crying.

[horngirl.livejournal.com]

So sorry to hear about your loss :-(

Kitties are kitties, whether they're strays or not. I'm sure you didn't love him any less for it.

[gothsuck.livejournal.com]

You & your lovely lady are kind hearted souls. Never forget that.
:)
You did more than others ever would.
Take care.

[sootysmudge.livejournal.com]

Cats are just as much a part of your family as people are, and the grief is just the same. Sooty sends his purrs.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_ikon_/]

:-(

[damien-wise.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear this. Sad. :(
Also happy though, cos you really are a very caring person.

[mr-e-cat.livejournal.com]

BUGGER!

[severina-242.livejournal.com]

I am sorry about that. Lotsa hugs for you :-(

[kits-the-dm.livejournal.com]

damn. :(
Vlad sends his condolences.

[velvetclaw.livejournal.com]

You know that I understand perfectly.

*hugs*

You gave him some love and attention and some good time, that he wouldn't otherwise have had. It was better, given he was so ill, to let him go.
Exactly what you said to me 6 weeks ago.

[missmalice.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds like you and Elaine have been as wonderful as can be to the stray kitties. And what you did is more than a lot of people would.

Kitty :(

[(Anonymous)]

One of the hardest things for me, emotionally, this year was when a beautiful white persian stray came to us and we just fell in love with him. We were always cat people, but because we moved into a body corporate place we didn't dare have any animals (didn't want to bring our others from home either, in fear of seeing them hurt on the big busy roads of Melbourne - thanks mum for taking Nef!!)

We sent flyers around the neighbourhood about the cat we had found, but received no calls. We would have considered having him stay around for a while, but unfortunately we were having our very first rental inspection in a week's time so we thought we had better not chance it - we knew the cat would be hanging around on that day because we starting feeding it :( probably something we shouldn't have done.

The cat slept at our back door for days and we would go outside to give him cuddles and smooches. I asked around, but nobody wanted a cat - especially a grown up cat :( (People annoy me like that!!!!), anyway.. because he had a tattoo in his ear but no collar, we figured he just might be owned by someone, so we made a deal with a local shelter to keep him for a week and then we would figure out if we would take him back if nobody claimed him. This shelter kept animals for adoption if they were healthy enough. I wasn't too confident in him being adopted out as his nose was very spotty (what I suspected was skin cancer) and he didn't look 100% healthy.

After one week, I called and was told nobody had claimed him and then I was told he was terribly sick with cat flu and they wouldn't be putting him up for adoption. If we wanted him back, we would have to pay the usual fee plus spend over $600 on surgery for his nose to remove the cancer and also another few hundred to remove the cancer from his ears and then there would be no guarantee that he would have a good quality of life (a fair chunk of his nose would be lost).

I was at work at the time and had suspected that we were not going to be able to take him back. We had a stupid inspection happening the next day and we didn't have the money to pay for the surgery plus we really hadn't been looking to have another cat. They suggested the best thing was to put him down. I asked the person on the other end of the phone how long I had to make the decision.. she said "I need it right now". I couldn't even get the words out when speaking to her because I was sobbing uncontrollably at my desk while everyone else looked at me wondered what was wrong. I finally gave the go ahead and hung up the phone. I cried so long and the bastards at work wouldn't let me go home (it's just a cat, right??).

I was depressed for weeks about it, because I felt that we betrayed the cat by taking it there in the first place. It didn't even know us and it trusted us enough to jump into the makeshift cat cage by itself.. like it wanted to go. I feel like we took him to his death, and because of our own selfishness (no we can't afford the surgery, no we can't afford to worry about what the real estate agent will say) he died and spent the last week of his life getting sicker and sicker with cat flu and most probably fretting at being in this weird place. I still cannot forgive myself and am crying right now as I write. It's been about 5 months since that happened, but it still hurts like hell.

Everyone I knew said it was the best thing we could do, considering the circumstances and that it was almost like he wanted us to help end his lonliness and suffering. Who knows.

I see a lot of strays around now but can't even bring myself to call to them or pat them as I am so scared the same thing will happen and I can't stand the agonising hurt it would bring.

Sorry to write such an essay, but as you can see... I totally understand, Darren. I cried just reading your piece, now I am going to have a very tearful day.

Things will get easier, though. You will have some nice memories and some yucky ones - but the things to remember are the cute memories :)

You are lovely for caring so much *hugs*