strange days

I'm thinking i may have to give up my morning meditation.

Much as i enjoy it, i never manage to get to bed early enough to be up at 5:45 and still get a decent eight hours' sleep.  Whatever benefit i may be gaining from the meditation i feel may be undone through not enough sleep or even stressing about trying to get to bed earlier.  This past week i've had great trouble concentrating and avoiding procrastination, which is often an indication of insufficient sleep.

So, regretfully, this coming week i'm going to try getting up at 6:30 and foregoing the meditation to see what difference it makes.

That was a busy weekend.

Saturday morning we ran a few errands, including picking up a collection of broken concrete from out front of a vacant building near work.  I'd spotted them during the week and noticed they'd make perfect stepping stones for the side garden, being a couple of inches thick, flat on top and of a darker, rock-like shade of concrete.  I had thought we'd only get maybe half a dozen of a decent size and shape, but by the time i'd loaded up the 'near enough' and 'maybe' chunks, there were enough to almost do the whole path.  Some have raised bits of gravel on the edge, which i'll have to chip off with a hammer, while some are definitely on the small end of useful, but they can be replaced later if i find better ones.  I've already laid them out and put five in the ground in the morning before leaving for work, and it's going to look great.

Saturday afternoon was taekwondo, which i had to do dagging around in a t-shirt as i'd missed packing my dobok jacket before leaving home.  Ah well, at least i packed the pants.  Saturday class is always a good session. It's a pity i've missed so many lately.  In the mixed class i got to teach a pair of white belts for a change, though one was an ITF black belt who's visiting us for a while, so i spent much of the time trying to blend explanations of how we do things aimed at his level with those that would be useful for a new beginner.  His school must be quite formal, as he kept calling me 'sir', which felt a bit odd (especially without my status symbols  props  security blanket  belt and uniform) but i didn't say anything, as it's not really anything 'wrong' to correct.  After fitness circuit (mmm, sweat), black belt class consisted mostly of poomsae and self defence work, the latter of which i paired up with Clive, who was helpfully non co-operative and made me work hard.  It's always satisfying to walk out with sore muscles, red wrists and sweaty hair.  

I also found out that Jessica is leaving for Canada for the rest of the year, only because they had a card for us all to sign.  I really should pay more attention.

Sunday morning was the last of the meditation classes in at Box Hill.  After running late last week, i decided to leave home early in case the trains were diverted again, which of course meant that they were running normally and i got there way too early.  That wasn't a bad thing, as i got to spend some time sitting in the shrine room soaking up the atmosphere.  Remembering what Lillian had said after the first class, i sat looking at the main Buddha statue for a while, not really meditating but just watching my breathing a little and listening to the music they had playing (one of those flowery Namo Guan Shi Yin Pu Sa recordings).  It was interesting to notice the way my eyes got lazy after a while and the focus softened, making the statue seem very 3D.  Of course it is 3D, being a statue and all, but it really seemed to stand out in an interesting way against the similar gold/beige hued background, with the soft light and incense smoke adding to the effect.

As the families started coming in for the children's session, i got up and went down the street to the meditation room.  Lillian had already set everything up, though it was still quite early, so the teacher suggested i sit for a while and do some meditation for myself.  Once the rest of the class arrived, we went through some t'ai chi to warm up before doing some more sitting.  This teacher did a similar set of exercises to what we had done wth Rev. Man Ching, though i noticed a few things she did differently, eg in 'painting a rainbow', the leading foot is turned in the direction you are leaning, while the opposite hand bends in as if patting yourself on the head, which seemed much easier on the back.  She also added in an extra buit to the face massage - taking two fingers and 'brushing your teeth' by rubbing them over the teeth from outside, above and below the lips, and also rubbing the ears with two fingers, which she said is a good way to wake yourself up when tired.  

We sat for about 30 minutes with an instrumental version of the Om Mani Padme Hum music playing, then a few minutes more in silence.  This week it was much easier to concentrate, without the agitation of rushing and also managing not to try to control my breath to match the music (left to its own devices, it blended in of its own accord again).  The teacher had suggested we watch our emotions this time, to see how various thoughts, sounds or sensations make us feel.  The only real feelings i noticed were those of peace and tranquility with the music and stillness after it finished.  Other sounds and sensations, even stray thoughts, didn't seem to have emotional effect on me.  I suspect that was due to fact i was watching for it, in a similar way to how i've noticed my mind doesn't run away on a train of thought when i'm actively watching to see where it runs.  (I guess this is what people mean when they say that a finger can't point at itself).

Then we revisited the tea ceremony, this time trying two different kinds of tea for comparison.  Again she asked us to pay attention to how we feel.  The first was the dragon ball tea again, the smell of which gave me a feeling of freshness and nature, while a second, stronger smelling leaf i could only describe as smelling 'darker'.  It did remind me a bit of the oolong tea i'd had at the tea rooms when i was in the city, which one of the Chinese guys in the class identified it as.  When the tea was made, we again watched how we felt as we tasted them.  The dragon ball tea left me with feelings of lightness and freshness, while the oolong gave a warm feeling, from a vaguely spicy aftertaste (which we later learned was ginseng, which explained why it made me think of Korea).  Over a few more cups, the teacher talked to us for a while about putting aside feelings of like and dislike, building equanimity and extending meditation to everything we do in daily life.  Now that it's five days later (Friday now) as i'm still writing this, i can't remember a lot of what she said, other than noticing that there was a lot more Buddhism in the lessons from the lay teacher than from the Reverend.  We finished by reciting the Four Mottoes from last week again (a very Mahayana dedication of merit and well-wishing for all beings) and there was talk of another course, perhaps a little more advanced, sometime in the future.  So that will be good if it goes ahead. 

After class, Elaine picked me up on the way through to the city, to spend the afternoon at blind_sublime's place, to hang out and also do some filming for an assignment for Elaine's uni course.  Ange was the cameraperson (and did a fine job of it too), while i got to play a client who Elaine was teaching to cross the road with the walk lights.  It was good to catch up, and the filming was fun for the most part (with some funny looks from the folks outside the old age centre across the road) but frustrating when Elaine's camera decided to delete the wrong clips when we needed to clear space, resulting in much angst and a mad rush to re-film the lost sections before the light was gone.  It was quite late when we left, even later to home and bed, but we got the job done and had a pleasant afternoon together in the process.

Next weekend (well, in reality last weekend, but i'm supposedly writing this a week ago - stupid no posting in work time rule) will be a busy one again, judging the junior poomsae competition all day Saturday - times are set for 9am to 10pm! (though actually it was finished by around 5pm, but i didn't know this when i would have written it last week), then a solo working bee Sunday to clear back the bushes from the side fence in preparation for its replacement, releasing our Rudd bucks into the local economy as intended.

Now if only i can find time to get a good night's sleep in there somewhere.

Sunday's class involved walking meditation again, this time a much slower, smaller version similar to what i've done at home. After warm-up exercises, we started by just closing our eyes and raising one foot, seeing how long we could stand and not lose balance. I would have expected to be able to do this easily, doing similar things all the time, but i found my balance was quite poor. I'm not sure if it was my mind wandering or the head cold i still haven't shaken, or a bit of both. Then we moved on to walking in slow motion, raising the foot, slowly extending it, placing it down, pausing slightly before beginning the next step. Reverend said to do it with eyes closed, but my balance wasn't working so well for me so i kept them open (plus there were a lot of people in the room).

We did some sitting meditation after that, with the Om Mani Padme Hum music playing. I found it quite easy to lose myself in the music, a different sensation to sitting in silence.

Next week we are apparently having a different teacher, who will teach us about drinking tea as meditation, and i think eating as well. That should be interesting.

On Saturday i went to a seminar with Mr Kang in at the netball centre.  While i've had poomsae seminars up to the eyeballs lately, i went along just to train with Mr Kang again, which i haven't done since Korea.  As i do often when passing through from Flinders Street, i stopped outside the Kyokushin dojo in Banana Alley to watch them training for a bit.  Usually, i'm on my way to a competition when i pass that way, and many a time i've watched them doing drills and thought that i'd rather be doing that than going to a competition, so it was nice this time to actually be heading off for some basic training of my own.

As anticipated, the training session was mostly basics, doing drills in horse riding stance or walking, kicks from standing or lying down, then working through patterns step by step.  I didn't come away with any new information on the poomsae, but i didn't really go for that reason.  It was just a good, old-fashioned training session.  The only pity was it that only went for two hours.

I might make note of a few simple drills and warm-up exercises that i found interesting and might use in the future:

( drills )


Sunday was the second meditation class in at Box Hill.   I was there fairly early, and chatted for a bit to Lillian, the volunteer i was talking to last week, and Tony, another guy in the class.   I'll try each week to meet a couple more of my classmates and remember names as best i can. 

This session we focussed on counting breaths.  Nothing complicated, just one to ten, counting either in or out breaths as we preferred, going back to one if we missed a count.  I've used this method before, though in the class it was easier to keep focussed and not let the mind wander as much as as it usually does.  The moments where i was able to really be involved with a particular breath gave me a good sense of what i should be doing at home.

Next week, weather permitting, we might go outside to the park form some walking meditation.


To help remember some of the t'ai chi warm up exercises we do at the start of class, i'm going to note them here as i recall them, and hopefully add a couple more each week:

( warm-up exercises )

This morning i had a call from the Box Hill temple, letting me know that the meditation class that we were meant to do three months ago has been rescheduled to next month.  Odd, but i'm glad - i was quite looking forward to it last time.  It's also going to be on a Sunday morning now, so no clashes with taekwondo.

I hope it goes ahead this time.

The other day i sat down to try a vipassana meditation, using the naming technique ("rising, falling", into "hearing, hearing" etc). As has happened a couple of times before, by the time i finished i found myself all wound up and emotionally and physically tense, and ended up having to do a spot of samatha to stop feeling so shite.

Now, i know vipassana isn't meant to be a tranquility meditation, but i'm sure it's not supposed to have that effect either. I figure it's a case of trying too hard, and winding myelf up with the excessive effort of concentration.

Whatever the cause, i'm going to leave that particular technique alone, opting instead for a more zen style method, quietly watching sensations and reactions without verbally naming them.

A couple of things i've learnt from the mediatation sessions i've been doing after work the last couple of weeks:

Even ground - It's basic stuff, but if i'm not balanced and comfortable to begin with, it's going to be an uphill battle all the way.  Sloping ground in particular can be a problem - in one spot i could actually feel myself slipping down a slope bit by bit, which was really distracting, while a slight slope to one side or hollow in the ground was what i think made my back ache and cramp up after a short while on a couple of other occasions.

Sit still - Again, basic stuff.  But i really did find that every little adjustment, fidget or attempt to fix tangled clothing just made me more unsettled and less able to relax.  A simple lesson - get comfortable, straighten out your clothing, brush stray hairs off your face, then when everything's fine, then begin and just sit.

Have a plan and stick to it - Another lesson i've learnt is to work out beforehand what kind of meditation i want to do, what visualisations to use and then just go on with it when i actually sit down.  Chopping and changing mid-stream, having to think about whether i'd rather picture the soothing pond in a forest or a hilltop or just a circle of light, just leaves me mentally unsettled and as monkey-minded as ever.  Better to have a pre-scripted session in mind, and stick to it as much as possible.

On the last point, it does seem to work ok if i have a planned meditation then find myself following another avenue that opens up and seems to be right for the moment.  Tonight, for instance, i'd planned to give the metta meditation a rest and just do a general tranquility thing, using the pool in the forest visualisation and then the circle of light, trying to let myself dissolve into the light as it progressed.  As i began, i realised that there was a noisy kids' party going on across the train line, so focussing out was going to be difficult.  But rather than go find another place and becoming unsettled, or changing to a different plan, i decided to just go ahead and do the best i could.  I went through the body relaxation in the rock pool, then letting tension emotions drain out into the water, and eventually started picturing the mind as the clear crystal transmitting light.  I intended to just stay in this visualisation and try to dissolve into the image of the light.  When i'd been picturing the sunlight filtering through the water to relax my muscles, i found myself picturing my body becoming clear and translucent, almost invisible in the water.  As i later pictured the light flowing through the crystal mind, i again started to picture my body as translucent, with the rainbow light flowing out through my whole body as if all of me were the crystal.  While i pictured that, it began to remind me of an image of Chenrezig / Kwan Yin and i decided to go with that, picturing myself as a Chenrezig figure, with the rainbow light flowing through like rays of compassion (i later realised that image may have come partly from the scene where Kwan Yin first appears to Tripitaka in the Monkey tv show).  At one point i tried actively picturing an image of four armed Chenrezig, as described in this meditation, but that didn't seem to fit and i ended up just going with a vague, translucent Kwan Yin figure in a meditation posture, with the rays of light flowing through.  I let myself merge with the image and feel the flowing light as rays of  compassion, which the earlier metta meditation sessions helped me get a feel for, and then let myself dissolve in that.  Even when the noise from the kids' party  intruded and distracted me, i just directed the metta their way and let it flow, which worked fairly well.  In the end it was my back getting sore that made me stop (perhaps th ground wasn't as even as i thought), though i took a little more time to use the 'picture the energies received as rose or gold coloured light' element from the beach/hill/sky set, imagined that as loving kindness from a Kwan Yin-like figure and let it fill me then radiate out.

That seemed to be a good visualisation to use, incorporating some elements of a metta meditation and imagery to become absorbed with, combined with both the crystal mind and circle of light visualisations from the two meditation books.  I'll definitely explore that one a bit more for medium-length sittings.

 
Earlier this week, i started reading a book on Ghandi, the first chapter of which discussed life in his Ashram in rural India and some of his more spiritual views and beliefs.  It mentioned a passage from the Bhagavad Gita, to the effect of: "He who moves among the objects of sense with the senses under control, free from desire and aversion (..) attains serenity of mind".  It got me thinking about the idea of detachment, which crops up a lot in Hindu and Buddhist thought, and whether even having a favour or preference for any thing over another (eg ugly or attractive street scenes, styles of houses etc) would be folly according to that philosophy, leading inevitably to attachment, loss and disappointment.  Would the goal of an 'enlightened' soul be to regard all things equally, without favour or preference, and to just take everything as you find it? 

Then it occurred to me, in a flash of the bleeding obvious, that perhaps an even more immediate concern would be to regard people without favour or preference, rather than habitually rating some people as more worthy of attention than others.  On a train or walking down the street, instead of taking notice of those that i find interesting, perceive some connection with or just like the look of, what if i were to make an effort to take notice of all the people around me, seeing each as an individual rather than a stereotype and its relevance to me, and to consciously remember that behind every set of eyes is a living person with thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears and ideas?  Surely that would be a good step towards building understanding and reducing the walls we build between each other.  A very practical version of 'compassion meditation' that could be practised every day.

Just giving it a try as i got off the train really did seem to change the way i saw people, so i think it could be an exercise worth pursuing.

It's absolutely pissing down tonight.

I love it.  

After being dry so long, the poor garden really needed a good bath.  I've been keeping most of the plants alive with grey water (and occasionally giving in and using the hose on permitted days) but the big trees need a good soaking to get down to their roots.  They also say we may get some thunder tonight, too, which would be nice as i missed the other night's storm in favour of an early night..

Elaine's working late tonight, so i did some patterns practice on the porch (ie Pyongwon along the narrow strip that's still dry) then decided to spend a bit of time meditating with the sound of the rain all around me as a backdrop.  Instead of the usual seaside/sunrise/hilltop visualisation, i decided to try picturing myself sitting in a little shelter or pavillion in a rainforest, with rain falling all around and a waterfall nearby (sound effects courtesy of the leaking verandah).  I imagined a break in the clouds to allow the sunlight through for relaxing the body from toe to head, and breathed in the fresh, swirling rainforest mist along with the sunlight to relax and refresh the body.  There was a small lake at the foot of the pavillion, into which i let the emotional tension drain, and when i shifted to the hilltop, it was on a little platform overlooking mountains and forest instead of the coastline.  It seemed to work just as well, though i need to get used to it to settle easily into the scene.  The rain was really relaxing in the background, and i felt like i could sit there all night.  I'm glad i took the time, as it's something i haven't done for weeks now.

On a related note, i've decided to take a more cautious approach to my plans for morning yoga and ease into it slowly.   I had been doing several Salutes to the Sun in the morning before heading off to work, and it did feel good.  Unfortunately my back did not agree and i couldn't be sure if that's what had caused a renewed stiffness in the lower back, or indeed whether it was a normal getting used to new exercise stiffness or an aggravation of my old problem.  Not having an actual teacher to ask, i laid off it for a couple of weeks, and now i'm easing into it with just one repetition in the morning, along with my other stretches and warmups for t'ai chi (yes, i'm finally accepting you need to warm up even for that).   And as my other concern was the effect of doing those sorts of moves 'cold', i'm trying to go for a brisk walk first to get the blood flowing a bit (though i have to try not to let it make me think of John Howard as it disturbs the positive mood i'm trying to build).  Weather permitting, that should make a nice start to the day.  

In less hippy news, loan for the new car has been approved, though the payments are going to be murder.  Whatever we get back from the insurance for the old car had better go into that somehow.  But speaking of money - there was an odd little moment of Consider The Lilies this week.  We were utterly broke due to this car business, to the point where Elaine had no money for petrol or phone recharge and i was working out how many times i needed to do my run home from work to make my train ticket last til next payday, then yesterday Moishe handed me $150 out of the blue as a bonus, probably for all the last minute private jobs i've been doing for him.  Looks like the Universe really does provide when it's needed sometimes.  

And back on that hippy note, it's time to go.