darren_stranger | From Safety to Where? (Reply)

I need a change of career.

Part of me says i should be grateful to even have a job, especially one with normal hours that pays well, and i should suck it up and get on with it, but i think my attitude to this one is irreparably broken. I try to take a professional approach and apply myself to my work, but it's hard when so much of it just seems pointless (writing reports that nobody will read, maintaining a paper trail that exists only to keep a certificate on the wall, trying to come up with systems to measure customer satisfaction when we really don't give a shit about our customers). It keeps bringing me back to the same question: "What the hell am i doing here?"

When i look around i see others who love their work, who take pride in doing something they're good at and care about. And i wants it, my precious, i wants it. For thirteen years i've been killing time here while i try to work out what i really want to do when i grow up, but i'm still no closer. I don't want to just leave here and go on to something else i don't give a shit about, i want to find my niche. But what is it?

I think what's really brought this home is that Elaine's finally found what she wants to do in this disability work, after years of pointless retail misery. She's found something where her skills can be used to help people improve their lives, not just talk people into buying something, and where the stresses come from caring about the outcomes, not fretting over sales targets. That's made me realise that there can be more to work than giving up a third of your waking life to pay for the other two thirds, that work can be part of your life, not something you surrender a chunk of your life for in exchange for money.

But what? I've thought about following Elaine's lead and doing the disability thing, but i'm still not sure i'm cut out for that (people skills and thinking on my feet in a crisis not being two of my strong points). Nevertheless, even contemplating that has made me realise how much i'm not interested in the path i'd imagined following simply because that's what i was doing now (a sudden flash of joy at the thought of certain skills being no longer relevant on my CV brought home just how bleak and uninspiring the future i'd pictured was to me). So what's the alternative?

If i do go down this disability path, it won't be until the year after next, as our utter inability to exist on even one decent wage means i'll need at least a year to save before full time study is an option. That gives me a bit over a year to decide if that's the path i want to take, or to think of something better. But how do you know? How do you find out what you're really cut out for?

I need to work it out soon, because i don't know how much longer i can resist the urge to just stand up, walk out the door and never come back.