strange days

.
I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about this 5th Dan business and where i'm going with taekwondo in general, turning things over and over in my mind and going in circles, so i think i need to put some of these thoughts down in text to get them out of my head.

In particular, i've been thinking about this 5th Dan grading, what it would mean to me and why i would want to do it in the first place.  The main reason that i come up with is confidence - having a 5th Dan could have some positive effects on my self-image and how i relate to the world.

Apart from enjoyment, one of my main reasons for doing taekwondo is for confidence and the ability to take action, not necessarily in a self-defence situation but for life in general.  One reason people often don't help others who are in trouble is because they lack the self-confidence to act (aka the "Bystander Effect") and i want to be more the sort of person who is willing and able to help someone who needs it, whether it's something like a first aid situation or just someone struggling with their shopping.  One incident that happened back when i was training for 4th Dan showed this perfectly, and gave me an insight into just how martial arts could have a practical positive effect on me as a person. 

But, while achieving 5th Dan might provide a boost to that sort of confidence in some ways, it's also a double edged sword.  While self-defence and fighting skills aren't my main reason for doing taekwondo, the fact that it is a martial art means that fighting is an integral part of it, and having a 5th Dan carries an expectation (in my mind, at least) of possessing a certain degree of ability in that area.  Put simply, to be a 5th Dan who doesn't know how to defend himself, with at least a reasonable degree of skill, would make me feel like a fraud and would undermine any gains in self-confidence that would come from achieving that rank.  That's pretty much it in a nutshell.

Of course, the question is what to do about it.  I can say that i don't want to think about doing the grading until i have a better handle on more advanced self-defence skills, but the question that remains is how do i set about building those skills.  If i haven't learnt that stuff yet, after so many years, then i'm obviously going about it the wrong way and need to change what i'm doing.  One thing i have figured out is that i need repetition - i can't just do something a few times every now and again and have it stick.  I need to do things over and over, week in, week out, in order to remember and become fluent with them.  That's why poomsae is my best skill, because we do it all the time and i can also practise by myself at home.  Self-defence is not so easy.  One strategy i've thought of is to identify certain techniques that i want to master and then just grab another black belt any chance i get and practise them.  Another thing i really should do is talk to Greg and Barry about it and find a way to say "look, the way we practise this stuff just isn't working for me", though that's kind of difficult as it does seem to work for everybody else.

Another thing i've been toying with is the possibility of taking up a class in hapkido, so that i can spend more time working more systematically on those sorts of skills, though that's a more long-term prospect, as starting a new art as a white belt isn't going to enhance my advanced level skills in a hurry.  It is something i'd like to do though, as i think the techniques and principles of that art would be a good complement to taekwondo.  Finding the time would be the tricky part, as the classes near me all clash with taekwondo, other than a Saturday morning class. That one i'll look into, though spending more of my Saturday at training may meet with some domestic opposition.

I'd also like to get back into refereeing for fight competitions.  I was speaking to Bill about it the other week and it seems they are desperately short of referees.  I used to really enjoy it, but stopped doing it years ago when i somehow dropped off the mailing list and fell out of touch with the rules and practices.  I'd really like to do that again, because it's exactly the sort of thing that is good to build confidence, quick thinking, presence of mind and decisive action, all the things i'm looking for from martial arts.  It would definitely beat the hell out of spending a day watching people do poomsae and ticking off minor technical errors one after another.

One other thought also occurred to me this morning:  I should get back into reading martial arts magazines again, just to keep myself inspired and motivated.  Because sometimes, especially when i'm dwelling in these sorts of thoughts and self-doubts, i forget why i even like doing martial arts in the first place.


Edit - Looking back on some old entries, it seems i've been very much in this place before:

http://strang-er.livejournal.com/63083.html

I twisted my ankle at training last night.  We were just doing a basic 'moving off the line of attack' exercise, as part of the instructors' training session, when i tripped and felt my ankle roll under with that awful crunching sensation.  With the wave of adrenaline that followed, it took quite a while for the numbness to wear off enough to feel just how bad an injury i'd given myself.  It turned out to be not quite as bad as i'd first feared, but it's very stiff, sore and swollen today.  Christine (one of Greg's black belts who's a doctor) gave it a once-over and said nothing appeared to be broken, Greg taped it up with elastic bandage and Grant offered me a lift home, where i sat it on ice for much of the night.  Hopefully it won't take too long to recover.

One thing it did teach me is that my footwork is rubbish.  Greg had just pointed out that i was bobbing up and down in the exercise instead of staying low and moving like a martial artist.  The way i tripped suggests that i was both dragging the blade of my foot (a bad habit it's easy to get away with on polished boards) and not moving my back foot first to slide away.  I really need to do more footwork practise, not to mention sparring (other than with white and yellow belts).  One more thing to work on once the ankle's good to go again.

While on the instructor training, Greg outlined an interesting approach to teaching a new skill to someone.  Most of it is what i do anyway through common sense, though not thought about or approached in any systematic way.  One bit that was a new idea to me is step 4 - i usually go straight into breaking it down as a default, without seeing if it's necessary. 

1.  Name the skill.
2.  Demonstrate/show an ideal model (if you can't do it, use someone who can)
3.  Explain what the skill is used for
4.  Try it.  If they can do it right away, move on.  If not..
5.  Break it down into parts, then bring them together.  Provide feedback and encouragement.

It's pretty obvious when spelled out like that, but i hadn't thought of it so systematically before.

One bit i had missed in the instructor training, due to not being able to get there at the beginning, was Greg's take on balancing perfection vs boredom.  I might have to ask him about that, as i could use some ideas.

That was a busy weekend.

Saturday morning we ran a few errands, including picking up a collection of broken concrete from out front of a vacant building near work.  I'd spotted them during the week and noticed they'd make perfect stepping stones for the side garden, being a couple of inches thick, flat on top and of a darker, rock-like shade of concrete.  I had thought we'd only get maybe half a dozen of a decent size and shape, but by the time i'd loaded up the 'near enough' and 'maybe' chunks, there were enough to almost do the whole path.  Some have raised bits of gravel on the edge, which i'll have to chip off with a hammer, while some are definitely on the small end of useful, but they can be replaced later if i find better ones.  I've already laid them out and put five in the ground in the morning before leaving for work, and it's going to look great.

Saturday afternoon was taekwondo, which i had to do dagging around in a t-shirt as i'd missed packing my dobok jacket before leaving home.  Ah well, at least i packed the pants.  Saturday class is always a good session. It's a pity i've missed so many lately.  In the mixed class i got to teach a pair of white belts for a change, though one was an ITF black belt who's visiting us for a while, so i spent much of the time trying to blend explanations of how we do things aimed at his level with those that would be useful for a new beginner.  His school must be quite formal, as he kept calling me 'sir', which felt a bit odd (especially without my status symbols  props  security blanket  belt and uniform) but i didn't say anything, as it's not really anything 'wrong' to correct.  After fitness circuit (mmm, sweat), black belt class consisted mostly of poomsae and self defence work, the latter of which i paired up with Clive, who was helpfully non co-operative and made me work hard.  It's always satisfying to walk out with sore muscles, red wrists and sweaty hair.  

I also found out that Jessica is leaving for Canada for the rest of the year, only because they had a card for us all to sign.  I really should pay more attention.

Sunday morning was the last of the meditation classes in at Box Hill.  After running late last week, i decided to leave home early in case the trains were diverted again, which of course meant that they were running normally and i got there way too early.  That wasn't a bad thing, as i got to spend some time sitting in the shrine room soaking up the atmosphere.  Remembering what Lillian had said after the first class, i sat looking at the main Buddha statue for a while, not really meditating but just watching my breathing a little and listening to the music they had playing (one of those flowery Namo Guan Shi Yin Pu Sa recordings).  It was interesting to notice the way my eyes got lazy after a while and the focus softened, making the statue seem very 3D.  Of course it is 3D, being a statue and all, but it really seemed to stand out in an interesting way against the similar gold/beige hued background, with the soft light and incense smoke adding to the effect.

As the families started coming in for the children's session, i got up and went down the street to the meditation room.  Lillian had already set everything up, though it was still quite early, so the teacher suggested i sit for a while and do some meditation for myself.  Once the rest of the class arrived, we went through some t'ai chi to warm up before doing some more sitting.  This teacher did a similar set of exercises to what we had done wth Rev. Man Ching, though i noticed a few things she did differently, eg in 'painting a rainbow', the leading foot is turned in the direction you are leaning, while the opposite hand bends in as if patting yourself on the head, which seemed much easier on the back.  She also added in an extra buit to the face massage - taking two fingers and 'brushing your teeth' by rubbing them over the teeth from outside, above and below the lips, and also rubbing the ears with two fingers, which she said is a good way to wake yourself up when tired.  

We sat for about 30 minutes with an instrumental version of the Om Mani Padme Hum music playing, then a few minutes more in silence.  This week it was much easier to concentrate, without the agitation of rushing and also managing not to try to control my breath to match the music (left to its own devices, it blended in of its own accord again).  The teacher had suggested we watch our emotions this time, to see how various thoughts, sounds or sensations make us feel.  The only real feelings i noticed were those of peace and tranquility with the music and stillness after it finished.  Other sounds and sensations, even stray thoughts, didn't seem to have emotional effect on me.  I suspect that was due to fact i was watching for it, in a similar way to how i've noticed my mind doesn't run away on a train of thought when i'm actively watching to see where it runs.  (I guess this is what people mean when they say that a finger can't point at itself).

Then we revisited the tea ceremony, this time trying two different kinds of tea for comparison.  Again she asked us to pay attention to how we feel.  The first was the dragon ball tea again, the smell of which gave me a feeling of freshness and nature, while a second, stronger smelling leaf i could only describe as smelling 'darker'.  It did remind me a bit of the oolong tea i'd had at the tea rooms when i was in the city, which one of the Chinese guys in the class identified it as.  When the tea was made, we again watched how we felt as we tasted them.  The dragon ball tea left me with feelings of lightness and freshness, while the oolong gave a warm feeling, from a vaguely spicy aftertaste (which we later learned was ginseng, which explained why it made me think of Korea).  Over a few more cups, the teacher talked to us for a while about putting aside feelings of like and dislike, building equanimity and extending meditation to everything we do in daily life.  Now that it's five days later (Friday now) as i'm still writing this, i can't remember a lot of what she said, other than noticing that there was a lot more Buddhism in the lessons from the lay teacher than from the Reverend.  We finished by reciting the Four Mottoes from last week again (a very Mahayana dedication of merit and well-wishing for all beings) and there was talk of another course, perhaps a little more advanced, sometime in the future.  So that will be good if it goes ahead. 

After class, Elaine picked me up on the way through to the city, to spend the afternoon at blind_sublime's place, to hang out and also do some filming for an assignment for Elaine's uni course.  Ange was the cameraperson (and did a fine job of it too), while i got to play a client who Elaine was teaching to cross the road with the walk lights.  It was good to catch up, and the filming was fun for the most part (with some funny looks from the folks outside the old age centre across the road) but frustrating when Elaine's camera decided to delete the wrong clips when we needed to clear space, resulting in much angst and a mad rush to re-film the lost sections before the light was gone.  It was quite late when we left, even later to home and bed, but we got the job done and had a pleasant afternoon together in the process.

Next weekend (well, in reality last weekend, but i'm supposedly writing this a week ago - stupid no posting in work time rule) will be a busy one again, judging the junior poomsae competition all day Saturday - times are set for 9am to 10pm! (though actually it was finished by around 5pm, but i didn't know this when i would have written it last week), then a solo working bee Sunday to clear back the bushes from the side fence in preparation for its replacement, releasing our Rudd bucks into the local economy as intended.

Now if only i can find time to get a good night's sleep in there somewhere.

Just worked out something very basic about ap seogi and Taegeuk One:

Ap seogi's just a walking step, right?  So why don't i just do the first few moves as if i'm walking?  Forget about where to put my feet or how long the stance should be.  Just walk through it.  Suddenly, those first moves, and the whole pattern in general, seem flow much more comfortably and smoothly than they have before. 

Why was this not obvious to me long before now?

Last night was another poomsae seminar with Grandmaster Park.  It's apparently the last time he's likely to come to Australia again, so i wanted this time to ask at least a couple of the questions about applications that i haven't been able to find answers on.

I considered asking about the turning kun dol jjogi move in Keumgang, but decided that some moves in Sipjin were more baffling for me, so i saved questions until then in case i didn't get to ask more.  As last time, nobody else was asking any questions and we just went through how the patterns were done, with the odd bit of application here and there to show why an arm should be straight or whatever.  When we got up to Sipjin, i swallowed my nerves and asked if there was any application for the "lifting two buckets" move, but Mr Park just showed how to do the move again.  When we stopped for a water break after that, i asked again, mentioning the word 'hosinsul' in case he misunderstood what i was asking, but he just said how to perform the move again and then walked off, so i guess that meant no.

It was kind of awkward, and i'm not sure he particularly appreciated me asking, but given it's the last chance i'm likely to get to ask the guy who wrote the book, so to speak, it was worth risking an etiquette faux-pas for the possibility of finding something out.

Of what was discussed, there were a few notable points i collected on various patterns.  I'm not sure if they will match with what's specified for competition purposes, but for practical purposes they may be important.

( technical stuffs )

All up, it seemed a useful night, even if i left with old questions still unanswered.  At least this time i tried to ask, and don't have to kick myself over wasting an opportunity like last time.

Yesterday was a poomsae seminar with Grandmaster Cho.

It's always good to go to these things, to benefit from a different store of knowledge and perspective built up on decades of experience.  Nobody seems to have all the answers when it comes to taekwondo, and there's always differences between what different masters teach, but i figure that it's in those differences that you can glimpse another piece of the puzzle to help figure it all out.

( technical stuff )

Last night we were playing with some self-defence stuff, and David was taking us through some Hapkido style moves he's been practising for his grading.  One, against a firm wrist-grab, involves taking the attacker's balance by pulling the grabbed arm down, using your legs by bending at the knees, then circling up to set up his hand for a wrist-lock.  The actual movement, bending the knees and turning the body slightly while dropping the arm down and out, then circling it in and up as if scooping water, looked remarkably like T'ai Chi to me.  It's interesting to see something like that, as i've noticed before that a lot of the principles of Hapkido seem to echo things from the T'ai Chi classics (be soft where your opponent is strong etc).  I don't know of any direct connection between the two, but it's interesting to see similarities, from an outside perspective at least. 

(Note for future reference, the wrist lock used is a slightly odd one - both hands held like pistols (thumb and index finger extended) with the other six fingers wrapped around his hand and thumb heels meeting on the back of his hand.  The twist itself is done directly in front, just rotating on front of the solar plexus without moving or turning the body). 

 
I did another run home tonight, the first time i've done it two nights in a row (or twice in one week, for that matter).  I noticed as i went that, while i was sweating like a pig and my arms and legs were tiring, my breathing was still quite slow and deep into my abdomen.  Looks like it is improving my cardio fitness at least, and maybe doing all that yoga breathing is helping too.

When i got home i found Elaine was working late, so i stretched for a bit then went up to the reserve to do some patterns.  It took exactly 40 minutes to go through all the patterns i know once each, through the Palgwes and Taegeuks, then Koryo One and Hanryu, then Koryo through Chonkwon.  While tonight i was doing them in the more 'martial' style and going just a little faster (though this time being careful not to kick too hard and jar my joints), i also tried another approach of doing a few moments' standing meditation to clear my mind before a couple of the higher ones (again inspired by one of those Kim Soo articles, mentioning the idea of 'emptying your cup').  That really did seem to give a different feel to performing the pattern, more relaxed and with better presence of mind, and helped me clarify my thoughts about the way we peform junbi. 

There's always something more to learn, and looking into ideas from related arts does give some good insights some times. 

Bet my legs will ache in the morning, though.

Did my first poomsae practice since the Open tonight.   Seems a few things can slip in a week and a half.  Pyongwon and Sipjin were pretty sharp though, so the extra practice i put in on those two is still making a difference.  Still, i need to get the other patterns up to scratch, or i won't make it through to the last round to do those two.

Tonight i was watching for problem areas, particularly those that are hand or stance related, so i can work on them during the day wthout having to be stretched.  Those i noted were as follows:

Taegeuk 6:  Front stance is off on the last two moves.  Need to straighten this up.

Koryo:  Last line (coming back) still needs work.

Keumgang:  Still wobbling in hakdari seogi - not sure if it was the uneven ground, but should practice more to be sure.  In particular the third time (coming straight from hinge punch) gives me trouble.

Taebaek:  The spear-hand / pull out, backfist combination (as usual).  Work on keeping balance and stepping easily into the following punch.

More if i think of it.