darren_stranger: (Default)
[personal profile] darren_stranger
I've been reading a few articles on 'creepers' that have been doing the rounds on Facebook, such as:

http://captainawkward.com/2012/08/07/322-323-my-friend-group-has-a-case-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/

http://captainawkward.com/2012/08/11/the-c-word/

and others linked from those. 

While the perpectives are interesting and very good food for thought, what's been especially interesting has been to watch some of the emotional reactions it's stirred up for me.

There were quite a few things i recognised from the days when i used to knowingly or unknowingly act in creepy ways, and seeing some things spelled out clarified a lot about my past behaviour and what effect it may have had, both on others and for myself.  For one thing, not understanding that you don't have to be actively doing something sleazy to give off sleazy vibes was something that probably caused great confusion in my younger years.  I think for a long while i've at least half suspected that a lot of the social rejection i experienced in my youth may have come as a result of "emitting loud, obvious vibes of 'I'm only here to get laid'", as one writer put it.  I cringed more than once at recognising aspects of myself in the descriptions.

The topic of social ostracism itself dredged up some stuff too, and reading lines like "If you are creeping on other people, they have a perfect right to ignore you, avoid you and shut you out - and not tell you why.." or "..the group contracts or turns away from you.." rubbed at some very old wounds.  If such things only happened as a result of creeping, that would be understandable, but i doubt it's as simple as that.  Social awkwardness and poor self esteem give rise to many unskillful behaviours, sexual or non-sexual, which often result in more rejection and feed back into that lack of confidence.  I couldn't really say what had more effect in my case, even if the interplay of issues like awkwardness, self esteem, creepiness, sexual and social rejection could be untangled and isolated.  Short of having a time machine, i don't know what difference it would make anyway, unless i ever get the opportunity to give advice to someone making the same mistakes i did.

Past regrets aside, though, i realised last night that perhaps the greatest emotional response in me actually came from the simple reminder that there are people out there with active social lives, who have circles of friends, go to parties, interact with others socially and actually have a practical reason to consider the intricacies of sexual politics and interpersonal relationships.  All of that seems like an alien world to me, even more so since moving to the 'burbs.  I try not to think too much about things like that, but it's surprising how quickly the practice of appreciating the things you do have can be disturbed by an unexpected reminder of things you don't.

Date: 2012-08-15 10:39 am (UTC)
greylock: Raist (Default)
From: [personal profile] greylock
you don't have to be actively doing something sleazy to give off sleazy vibes was something that probably caused great confusion in my younger years.

I have been trying to put this into words for years how you can do nothing wrong, or even think of nothing wrong, and feel like a rapist in wating, or that sort of thing.

I think what you have just written needs to be expanded on added to every so-called "creeper" article under the upheading "Sometimes it's you, Chicky-Babe". because that will rile them, and it needs to be said.




Date: 2012-08-16 12:14 am (UTC)
greylock: Raist (Default)
From: [personal profile] greylock
Good point.

Date: 2012-08-16 12:40 am (UTC)
greylock: Raist (Default)
From: [personal profile] greylock
Oh. The people who seem to think it's always the male's fault, no matter what.

Date: 2012-08-16 02:09 am (UTC)
greylock: Raist (Default)
From: [personal profile] greylock
Still, what was it you were thinking of?

I don't know anymore.

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