darren_stranger | 2004 - a self involved post (Reply)

i don't usually go in for new year's resolutions, leaning more towards quantifiable goals and targets (230 Amnesty letters, 3 bits of writing, that sort of thing), but last year was such a shitful year in so many ways that i feel i need to put something on record to remind me what i'm thinking now. Things that might help make 2004 a better year.

While 2003 sucked much harder for so many people i know than it did for me, in devastating and life-shattering ways that i'd never wish on anyone, that didn't stop me from spending plenty of time and energy angsting about my own petty problems. For me it was a year largely characterised by feelings of stagnation and frustration, of seeing life rushing past me while i sat and waited to get older, coloured by a sense of helplessness as the world in general descended further into madness and turmoil, and finally capped off by watching fate make train-wrecks of the lives of people, both close to me and casual acquiantances, and trying to help pick up the pieces.

This year has got to be better.

While i can't stop things happening that are out of my control, the dramas that are fucking up people's lives and the state of the world in general, all there is to do is to be there to try to help and support those that need it, and to keep working on changing the bigger things in whatever way is available, as always.

But i also need to look at things in my own life that i haven't been happy with, to think about some smaller, more personal things that i can take a different approach to to make this year better. One such thing, selfish as it may be, is that i want to make a conscious effort to do more of the things i want to do and live a life closer to the one i want to live. It may seem self-absorbed to make resolutions focussing on me me me, but i do not want to turn into one of those forty- or fifty-something men who suddenly realise they haven't lived the life they wanted and start trying to grab hold of it when it's almost too late. It would be nice to take a Buddhist or Taoist approach and just let go of selfish desires, but i just can't make myself do that, or perhaps more truly, i don't want to. i've realised that i can't just switch off my own wants, and that if i'm not happy in my own life it makes it harder to focus outwards as well. One of the reasons i got nowhere near the number of Amnesty letters i wanted to write, for example, was because i spent so much of last year moping about feeeling unhappy with life in general and sapped of any motivation to do anything. i figure that i can actually be less self-absorbed if i'm doing more of the things i want to do instead of angsting about not doing them. The flipside of that, of course, is that i want to balance that by taking more of an interest in other people and their lives, hopes and problems. i'm hoping this can both result from and contribute to being less caught up in myself.

There's one other, more specific thing i want to take a different approach to this year - my job. Last year, the ridiculous workload and arbitrarily changing priorities really got on top of me, to the point where i'd pretty much given up and would think "why bother trying?" much of the time and could not find the motivation to make myself do anything. That, of course, made me hesitant to keep complaining about it (how can you have too much to do if you're wasting time reading LiveJournal?) and kept me in a state of perpetual anxiety about being seen to be slacking off while so much work was falling behind. This year, i have to be careful not to fall into that trap. i have to keep motivated and do whatever work i can in the given time, but not get stressed at everything that isn't getting done (which would lead me back to giving up and doing nothing). The aim will be to put in no more and no less than the effort i should be, regardless of whether it seems futile, so that i can be perfectly 'relaxed and comfortable' when pointing out what we need in staff resources to function properly. Beyond that, it can be filed neatly in the bin marked Not My Problem.

The other thing i need to do attitude-wise is to keep reminding myself that the ethical standards of the person i work for are not a reflection on me if i'm not involved, and that i'm responsible only for my own actions and ethics, not anybody else's. Too much of last year i spent working myself into a state over the petty dishonesties and scams going on around me until i thought i had to leave an otherwise good job or lose my self-respect. Finally i had to realise that the person in question is just a petty thief, not some mass murderer or rapist, and since i don't go working myself into a state over every shoplifter, welfare cheat or junkie stealing mobile phones, why stress about this? That seemed to help put things in perspective near the end of last year, and hopefully i'll be able to approach this year with a better attitude. If not, well i guess it really is time to leave.

There's probably more to add here, but this'll do for now. 2003 is dead. Here's to 2004.

On with the show.

Lay on, MacDuff, and something something something..